I’m Still Here
Today is the Autumnal Equinox and I woke up inspired to write. Waking up inspired on a day as special as this one feels like a drink of water after trekking through miles of desert. Hoo boy, am I thankful for some relief and to be done with this summer.
I’ve tried so many times to sit down and write about all of the changes that took place since my last post written over six months ago. But, as it turns out, distilling major life events into one neatly packaged post is kind of hard! I’ve been stuck at an intersection of so much to say and no idea how to say it that I froze up any time I tried to write and would end up staring at a blank screen. Or, when I was able to write, during the thick of our transition, I would make frustrated, mean-spirited things that didn’t feel true to what I was really experiencing and trying to say. I put so much pressure on myself to create a nice, meaningful post, complete with a neatly tied-up lesson at the end, that was “worthy” of sharing the magnitude of what we did this summer: purchased a home and moved out of Austin. But when I couldn’t achieve that perfection, the unmet pressure would push me into a cycle of social media overconsumption and negative self-talk that has taken months to crawl out of.
It wasn’t until recently that I finally listened to a little voice inside say, “Frankly honey, that lesson just isn’t ready for you to share yet.” And you know what - it’s true! How could I possibly sum up all of the BIG FEELINGS that came up while moving away from my hometown to my college town when I’m still in the weeds of them? Yes, it’s hard to be a perfect writer when you’re thrust into creating your first home and taking care of your first lawn, but you know what makes it even harder? Not writing at all. And I’m here to tell myself: enough. It’s time to embrace the spirit of this fall season, my season, and allow my feelings to breathe and reflect on where I am now. It’s time to shake off this self-induced pressure of being a perfect writer and just get back on the dang horse already.
So, in that reflection I turn to my original intention for this space and share something that inspires me.
A few weeks ago I watched Postcards from the Edge on what my husband and I have dubbed Stupid Movie Friday™. Stupid Movie Friday is when we pick a comforting, “dumb” rom-com or comedy (usually from the 90s) to have on in the background while we work and wait for the weekend to arrive at 5:00. This wasn’t the first time I’ve watched Postcards from the Edge, but it was the first time I found myself moved by this scene where Shirley McClaine sings “I’m Still Here” in a way that I hadn’t been before.
In “I’m Still Here”, a song originally from the musical Follies, Shirley’s character Doris sings about the hills and valleys of a life of stardom and motherhood. It’s complicated, it’s funny, and it somehow perfectly captures all of the feelings from this summer that I can’t shape into words yet. I can feel my heart bang in my chest as Doris bangs on her piano. I can hear a pounding drum beat of creativity begging me to scream out “DAMMIT, I’M STILL HERE!” like Doris at the end.
This song is a reminder to marvel at everything we’ve grown through in life. That one day in the future we will be able to celebrate and sing about our difficult moments with friends. It’s a reminder of the strength we still have in us after life beats you down and the joy that waits to be found on the other side. Ok sure we might be a little rougher and rounder around the edges but we’re alive, we’re triumphant, and despite it all, we’re still here. And that’s worth sharing - even if it isn’t perfect.
Onward and upward. More soon. XO.